I saw District 9...

 by Benjamin Holcomb on 22. Aug, 2009 | No Comments

So the other night, I saw this documentary called, “District 9.” It’s all about this guy named Steve (or Michael; I can’t remember which, so I’ll call him “Wikus”) who works in a boring office. I think the place is called Dunder-Mifflin. There’s also a TV documentary about him… but he doesn’t have an accent on the TV version. Anyway, he’s really nerdy, and he lives in South Africa.

Lots of Ass-Kicking!

** SPOILER ALERT **
Do not read any further if you plan to see this movie!
** SPOILER ALERT **

Apparently, there’s a big-ass space ship hovering over the entire city.

The space ship is empty, it’s former inhabitants now living in a tent city on the outskirts of Johannesburg. These aliens are called “S’crimps” because they look like tasty shellfish.

So Wikus is in love with this girl named Penelope Widmore, whose dad, Charles, is a giant asshole. Charles is always scheming and trying to find some island. I sure hope by “island,” he doesn’t mean “spaceship,” because that thing is floating above his head the whole time! Anyway, Charles doesn’t want his daughter, Penelope, to be with Wikus, so he plots to put Wikus in charge of “relocating” 1.8 million S’crimps.

Wikus sticks his face where it doesn’t belong, and eats a face-full of space dust, which slowly causes him to mutate into a S’crimp.

That’s when Wikus and one of the S’crimps named “Christopher” get all Lethal Weapon and shit, taking out humans left and right like any good “buddy flick” duo must. There’s also this totally cool Steven Segal part, where Wikus and Christoper open a can of whoop on some Nigerian drug ‘n gun traffickers.

Thanks to his mutated alien arm, Wikus can operate the organic alien weaponry. One of the guns makes people explode like a frog in a microwave. It’s so totally kick ass, they show it about 48 times.

Anyway, Wikus and Chris then go all Terminator 2 by breaking into Skynet to steal this technology that Skynet shouldn’t have. Chris needs it to “phone home.”

Then, more ass-kicking and frog-nuking.

Chris uses the Skynet technology to fire up the big-ass spaceship. Chris splits, leaving all his S’crimp buddies and Wikus, who eventually morphs entirely into a S’crimp.

The documentary ends by explaining that because Wikus was such a lame-ass, incompetent worker, Dunder-Mifflin gets some freelancers to do his job for him. These consultants successfully relocate all the shellfish to another area, called “District 10.”

Hey, I have an idea: They could totally make a sequel, and call it District 10. That would be rad.

Tags: featured